Qualities to Look for in a Prospective Spouse

In the Name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful.

All praise and thanks are due to Allah, and peace and blessings be upon His Messenger.

The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, taught us in many Hadiths about the various characteristics which one looks for in a spouse, their relative importance, and which ones determine success, and bring Allah's blessing on a marriage, in sha Allah. Among those Hadiths are the following:

Abu Hurayrah, may Allah be pleased with him quotes the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, as saying, "A woman is married for four things, i.e., her wealth, her family status, her beauty, and her religion. So you should marry the religious woman; (otherwise) you will be a loser." (Reported by Al-Bukhari)

Accordingly, the most important characteristics that one should look for in a spouse are:

1- Religion

In the above Hadith, the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, mentioned various characteristics that people, by their nature and custom, look for in a spouse. He did not advocate any of them, but merely stated them as facts of human nature except for the issue of "religion", i.e., a prospective spouse's piety and religiousness. About this characteristic, the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, said, "So you should marry the religious woman; (otherwise) you will be a loser." This order is quite different from the general statement at the beginning of the above-mentioned Hadith.We must be careful not to be superficial in this issue. The mere wearing of Hijab or keeping a beard and praying in the Masjid, as routine compliance with requirements of piety, do not by themselves guarantee it. There are many people who at first glance appear to be abiding by Islam, but upon closer inspection have a twisted understanding of Islam and their practice in reality may leave much to be desired. `Umar, may Allah be pleased with him, once told someone who had testified to the goodness of a person by the fact that he had seen him in the Masjid that he did not know him as long as he had no dealings with him that involved money, did not live with him, and did not travel with him.The characteristic of piety applies to the groom just as much as to the bride. This should be the main focus of both the woman’s guardian and suitor. In this context, the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, said, "If someone with whose piety and character you are satisfied comes to you, then marry him. If you do not do so, there will be disorder in the earth and a great deal of evil." (Reported by At-Tirmidhi and others and classed as Hasan)

2- Character and Behavior

In the above Hadith addressed to guardians and parents, the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, commanded them to facilitate their marriage when they are satisfied with two issues:

The faith of the suitor and his character. Character is of extreme importance in Islam and goes hand in hand with faith and piety. The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, has even described it as the purpose of his mission to mankind as we can see in the following Hadiths:

"I have only been sent to complete good character." (Reported by Al-Hakim and others and classed as Sahih)

"I am a guarantor of a house in the highest degree of Paradise for one who makes his character good." (Reported by Abu Dawud and it is Hasan)

Allah establishes the relation of this issue to marriage, saying:

"Bad women are for bad men and bad men are for bad women. And good women are for good men and good men are for good women." (An-Nur: 26)

One of the important issues of character in the spouses is the quality of Wudd. This means kindness, lovingness and compassion. The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, said, "Marry the loving/friendly, the child-bearing woman, for I shall outstrip the other nations with your numbers on the Day of Judgment." (Reported by Ahmad, Abu Dawud, and others and classed as Sahih)

3- Child-Bearing

As we see in the above-mentioned Hadith, the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, recommended men to marry women who are child-bearing. This characteristic is related to some of the goals and purposes of marriage that were mentioned earlier such as procreating the Muslim Ummah, raising a pious family as a cornerstone of society and so forth.

4-Virginity

There are many Hadiths which recommend that a man must marry a virgin woman; such as the following:

"Marry virgins for they have sweeter mouths, more productive wombs, and are contented with little they get." (Reported by At-Tabarani and it is Hasan)

Other narrations indicate that a virgin is more likely to be pleased by a man and less likely to be devious and deceiving. Once, when Jabir married an older and previously married woman, the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, said to him, "Why not a virgin? You could have played with her and she with you."Muslim scholars stress that this good attribute applies to man just as it applies to woman. `Umar ibn Al-Khattab, may Allah be pleased with him, once heard about a woman who was married to an elderly man and he said:

"O people, fear Allah and let people marry their types.”

5- Beauty

This characteristic has a certain role to play since one of the purposes of marriage is to keep both spouses from sins. The best way to do this is to have a strong attraction between spouses. Although this is something which surely grows over time, initial impressions can in some cases become an obstacle to a successful marriage. The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, separated Qays ibn Shamas from his wife in the famous case of Khul` and her stated reason was that he was exceedingly displeasing to her. There are many Hadiths which urge the prospective spouse to get a look at the other before undertaking the marriage. Once a Companion told the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, that he was going to get married. The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, asked if he had seen her. When the man answered in negative, he, peace and blessings be upon him, said, "Go and look at her for it is more likely to engender love between the two of you." (Reported by Ahmad and others and it is Sahih)

Ibn `Abidin, a famous Muslim jurist, said, "The woman should choose a man who is religious, of good character, generous and of ample wealth. She should not marry an evildoer. A person should not marry his young daughter to an old or an ugly man, but he should marry her to one similar."Beauty has its role, but remember that it is way down on the priority list under piety, character and religion. When a person puts beauty above all else, the consequences can be disastrous. This is one of the main reasons that young people seeking to get married must be helped by more mature family members in making their choice. Elaborating on what one should look for in a partner, the late Sheikh Sayyed Ad-Darsh, former Chairman of the UK Shari`ah Council, adds:

“The age difference between potential partners should not be too great. It is not fair to give a young girl to a man who is twenty or thirty years her senior. If she, for one reason or another, accepts - or if he accepts, then it is their choice. But they should be aware of the future of their relationship and the implications of such a marriage. A gray-haired man once passed by a young black-haired girl and he proposed to her. She looked at him and said, 'I accept, but there is a snag.' He enquired what it was, to which she answered, ‘I have some gray hair.’ The man passed on without a word. She called out. ‘My uncle, look at my hair!’ She had hair as black as coal. He said to her, 'Why did you say that?' She answered, ‘To let you know that we do not like in men what they do not like in women.’ Marriage is not for fun or experience. It is a life-long relationship. For that reason, any factor detrimental to the relationship should be avoided as much as is possible. Highly educated males and females should seek partners with a similar educational background. Cultural and family background is very important. Common language is an essential way of communicating. Such things help the two partners to understand, communicate and relate to one another and are factors of stability and success - as are financial independence and the ability to provide a decent acceptable level of maintenance. Again, this is a way of ensuring that outside influences do not spoil an otherwise happy life. All ways and means should be considered, giving a solid basis for a new human experience which is expected to provide a framework for a happy, successful and amicable life.The questions of common language, background, education and age, etc., are meant, in an ordinary stable context, to maximize the chances of success and stability in a very important Islamic institution, that of marriage. However, considering the particular position of Muslim communities living in minority situations, young Muslims, male and female, are exposed to all sorts of challenges - be they cultural, linguistic, racial or social.The most fundamental question when choosing a partner is a religious one- As far as language, background, or social position are concerned, these are not significant factors that absolutely must be fulfilled before a marriage can take place. If the prospective partner is of good character, with a strong religious inclination, and the two young people are happy and feel compatible with one another, other considerations are not of such importance.”

Choosing a Life Partner:

Choice of a Lifetime... With the increasing inclination of Muslims to begin practicing Islam starting in their preteen years, there has been a concurrent rise in the numbers of Muslims who wish to marry young. It is not uncommon to find Muslims marrying while they are completing their undergraduate degree or soon after graduation. No matter how early one starts to think about marriage, there is resounding agreement that choosing a life partner is indeed a choice of a lifetime. Are you thinking about marriage? What have you done to prepare for it?Knowing OneselfIt is often more comforting to talk about the qualities one is seeking in a spouse than to look within oneself to understand one's own strengths and weaknesses. Before bringing another person into our lives, it is important that we come to know ourselves very well. The most straightforward and pointed question to ask is "who am I? "While it might be tempting to get lost in the philosophical line of thinking about "who am I? "There are obvious reasons to raise concrete issues and be frank and honest with oneself. Begin by asking yourself the most important question: "How strong is my relationship with Allah Most High? "Nearness to Allah is rooted in nurturing love for Allah and His Messenger (peace and blessings be upon him) out of a sincere desire to obey Allah and His Messenger in all aspects of our lives. In this context, it is critical that young Muslims evaluate themselves by asking "how would I characterize my relationship with Allah: strong, weak or nonexistent? "It is my hope that most of you will answer either that you have a weak relationship and are trying to strengthen it, or that the relationship is fairly strong and you are trying only to further strengthen it. Whatever the present state of your relationship with Allah is, your goal should be to be the best Muslim you can be before marriage. In addition, one must have a clear understanding of one's own personality and character. There is a difference between having an understanding of oneself and in being self-absorbed. The goal should be to have an understanding and a desire to change whatever qualities need improvement.What sort of a personality do you have? Are you more likely to give than to receive? Can you wait until later to discuss a possible conflict, or are you more inclined to address the conflict wherever and whenever it arises? Is sharing your thoughts second nature to you, or are you more inclined to keep your thoughts to yourself, even bottling up your emotions? Do you think first, react later; or are you more inclined to act first, think later? Do you find it easy to apologize whether or not you are wrong, or is apologizing the last thing on your mind?Assessing one's character is not an easy task but we have plenty of guideposts. If you had to describe your character, how would you do it? Consider the insightful description of the Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) by his beloved wife `A'ishah (may Allah be pleased with her), who said that his character reflected the Qur'an. The role model for both men and women is Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him), and in addition, for women, it is the wives of the Prophet, the Mothers of the Believers. Reflect upon your character and consider how close or far you are from emulating Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him). What changes will you have to make? Are you ready to make those changes before marriage? Finally, remember that your personal habits might not seem consequential now but could matter very much depending on the personality and even personal habits of your spouse. As trivial as it sounds, leaving dirty laundry on the floor, squeezing the toothpaste tube in the middle, not giving any consideration to personal hygiene just because one is "not going out" are all habits, among so many others, that could use some fine tuning. Think seriously about who you are, your relationship with Allah, your personality, your character, and your personal habits to prepare yourself for marriage. Reflect upon this verse again and again and make du`aa' to Allah for the best:

[And among His Signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that ye may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts):

Verily in that are Signs for those who reflect.] (Ar-Rum, 30:21)

Getting Back on TrackAlong with trying to gain more knowledge about oneself, it is important to point out that if the analysis proves that one has made mistakes or committed major sins other than associating partners with Allah, then the focus should be on getting oneself back on track. None of us are above committing sins, but once we acknowledge that we have committed sins, our goal should be total and complete repentance to Allah. It is not possible for the process of repentance to begin until one feels intense remorse for one's actions. Before attempting to marry, and as a part of the repentance process, one must abandon all sinful actions. Often young people find themselves caught in a cycle of sin and repentance, and one of the best ways to break the cycle is to surround oneself with righteous young people in order to emulate their behavior. There are two very critical teachings of the Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) which speak directly to this point:

Narrated Ibn `Abbas:

The Prophet used to invoke Allah at night, saying, "O Allah, All the praises are for You; You are the Lord of the Heavens and the Earth. All the praises are for You; You are the Maintainer of the Heaven and the Earth and whatever is in them. All the praises are for You; You are the Light of the Heavens and the Earth. Your word is the Truth, and Your promise is the Truth, and the meeting with You is the Truth, and Paradise is the Truth, and the (Hell) Fire is the Truth, and the Hour is the Truth. O Allah! I surrender myself to You, and I believe in You and I depend upon You, and I repent to You and with You (Your evidence) I stand against my opponents, and to You I leave the judgment (for those who refuse my message). O Allah! Forgive me my sins that I did in the past or will do in the future, and also the sins I did in secret or in public. You are my only God (Whom I worship) and there is no other God for me (i.e., I worship none but You)." (Al-Bukhari, Book 93, hadith 482)

A servant committed a sin and he said, "O Allah, forgive me my sins," and Allah the Exalted and Glorious said, "My servant committed a sin and then he came to realize that he has a Lord Who forgives the sins and takes to account (the sinner) for the sin." He then again committed a sin and said, "My Lord, forgive me my sin," and Allah the Exalted and High said, "My servant committed a sin and then came to realize that he has a Lord Who would forgive his sin or would take (him) to account for the sin." He again committed a sin and said, "My Lord, forgive me for my sin," and Allah the Exalted and High said, "My servant has committed a sin and then came to realize that he has a Lord Who forgives the sins or takes (him) to account for sin. O servant, do what you like, I have granted you forgiveness." (Muslim Book 37, hadith 6642)

Overall, the two hadiths listed above show clearly that the door to repentance is open and that it is critical that young people take account of their sins before they marry so that they can present themselves for marriage in the most pure state possible. Of course, none of us can guarantee that we will remain sin-free; however, this process of taking account of our sins, of feeling remorse, of getting ourselves back on track is crucial before we bring another person into our lives. Read each hadith carefully and reflect upon your own life. Most importantly, develop a plan of action to get yourself back on track.The most comprehensive advice given regarding the choice of a spouse is the teaching of our beloved Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) who said, on the authority of Abu Hurairah (may Allah be pleased with him), "A woman is married for four things: her wealth, her family status, her beauty, and her religion. So you should marry the religious woman (otherwise) you will be losers." (Al-Bukhari, Book 62, hadith 27).

As the best of all leaders, the Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) knew his community well and understood that there are very real considerations that must be taken into account when selecting a spouse. Criteria such as wealth, family status, and beauty are of common concern to people around the world. Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) acknowledged these criteria but then went on to say that above all, the emphasis should be placed on how religious the candidate is. When it comes down to it, you will have to ask yourself, "how do I understand this hadith? What does it mean to me? Am I going to risk being among the losers and go after only wealth or beauty or family status, or am I going to find beauty, wealth, and family status as possibly additional qualities of an otherwise religious spouse? "This is not an easy question to consider, especially when there are divergent expectations between the spousal candidates themselves and between the parents and their children. I will address some of these expectations below. Being HonestThe worst mistake a young person can make in the process of choosing a spouse is to assume that everything will just fall into place after marriage. Two specific areas of concern involve the level of practice of Islam and the expectations about career and childbirth. A common misconception among young people is that the person whom they are considering for marriage will suddenly start to be more religious the moment the ink on the marriage contract dries.Be honest with yourself and with your prospective spouse about your own level of Islamic knowledge and practice and what you expect from him or her. If you are struggling to practice, if you do not pray regularly, if you have very little attachment to Islam, your future spouse needs to know that. He or she does not need to know what sins you have committed in private as long as you have felt remorse, repented, and gotten yourself back on track. Often a person is overtaken by how handsome a young man is or how beautiful a young woman is, and the thought process is "well, so what if he does not pray or fast now, in sha' Allah, he will do so after marriage" or "she does not wear hijab now, but she tells me as soon as we are married, she will start to wear hijab." A person who says he or she will change after marriage is not being honest with himself or herself. Why? The obvious question is, if you say you will practice Islam after we are married, what stops you from praying regularly now or from wearing the hijab now? What does your being a better Muslim have to do with marriage? The answer:

Nothing, absolutely nothing.A person strives to be a better Muslim because of their desire to imitate Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) in their obedience to Allah. If you are not pleased with your own level of practice or with that of your future spouse, be very careful that you do not compromise and accept a "promise" to change after marriage. The change should happen now, before marriage, and for nothing other than for the sake of Allah Most High.While the concept of marriage still involves a man and a woman, the traditional notions of the roles the man and the woman will play as husband and wife are changing. In the past few decades, the number of women pursuing higher education and then focusing on establishing careers has increased. It is much more common to find young women who have delayed marriage until they have completed at a minimum their undergraduate studies and perhaps even their graduate or professional education.If you are a young man, it is critical that you are honest with yourself as to whether you want to marry a young woman who wishes to establish a career for herself or who wishes to pursue graduate or professional education. If you look forward to marrying a young woman who will essentially stay at home and help raise the children, you are doing yourself and your future spouse an injustice by thinking you are being "cool" or "hip" or "with the times" by saying "sure, no problem, I would never hold back my wife from working or going to school."Similarly, if you are a young woman who intends to pursue a career and wishes to delay having children, you should be just as honest with your future husband. Whether you are a man or a woman, you should be honest with yourself and with your prospective spouse so that these types of issues can be resolved in the early stages of the marriage talks. Equally important, please help your parents to understand your expectations of your spouse so that they do not say later, for example, "But we expected that we would be seeing grandchildren right away." Or even worse, that they say, "Why did she agree to marry you if she wanted to pursue a career?" These are private matters to be resolved first between the husband and wife and, actually, long before there is even talk of finalizing the marriage.